Jazz musician Emma-Jean Thackray: 'My neurodiversity is both an asset and an obstacle'

On her latest album, Weirdo, which she will be presenting at the Ancienne Belgique, English jazz musician Emma-Jean Thackray speaks openly for the first time about her neurodiversity. “It was painful, but without my neurodiversity, I wouldn't be who I am today.”

It's hard to draw a straight line through the music released by British multi-instrumentalist Emma-Jean Thackray. But whether you catch a dash of jazz, of soul, or grunge among the styles she weaves together and samples, her talent is undeniable, as her latest offering, Weirdo, attests. This spring, she gave a solo preview at Bozar, opening for Kamasi Washington. For her upcoming show at the Ancienne Belgique, she'll be bringing her full band.

“I'm definitely a jazz musician,” Thackray says over Zoom from her flat in South London. “Or rather, I have the brain of a jazz musician. But my music isn't purely jazz, you're right. It's more the wellspring I draw from, the language I use to express myself. When people asked me as a little girl what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd always say 'an artist' for convenience. It left all my options open. In my early teens, I was already playing trumpet in bands with adults in them, and I'd regularly use my pocket money to buy £1 or £2 CDs to discover new music. When I discovered Miles Davis at 13, I knew I was on the right path.”

She always hears a sound in her head first, she says, before attempting to capture it. “Usually, I just grab the first instrument I see to try and get close to that sound. I don't consider myself a particularly good instrumentalist, but that's not the point. I play drums like Stevie Wonder does. It's not about how flashy or virtuosic my playing is. It's about knowing the groove I want and, after a while, figuring out how to play it.”

She's already experienced first-hand that not everyone is on board with this approach. “When I played clarinet on a previous album, someone got really angry: 'You can't just take work away from good clarinet players!' But for me, sound is simply endless. I want to explore it. I want to break traditional patterns with it.”

On her most recent album, Weirdo, there are a few more guitars and synths than usual, and the rhythm section sounds a touch more aggressive. That fusion is intentional, she says. “I wanted to make an album with what I had around me. It used to be people, and I would arrange for them – I have a master's degree in jazz orchestra and composition. But that requires compromises and deadlines, and I'm not particularly good at those. Neurodiverse people struggle with organising things that involve other people. It wasn't so much that I was determined to play all the instruments myself. I just didn't want to have to worry about anyone else. If you tell me I have to send a piece of music to someone by 11 o'clock, I find that difficult. To avoid all that, I did it with what I had on hand in my home studio. With all those instruments, I could create a full band sound without having to call anyone. Luckily, I enjoy my own company anyway. And Prince is a great example. When he recorded his vocals, everyone had to leave the studio. It felt safer. I completely get it: it means you don't have to be perfect straight away.”

She has never spoken openly about her neurodiversity on previous releases. Weirdo changes that. “It was painful, but without my neurodiversity, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I would never have developed such a profound obsession with music. It's typical for neurodiverse people to become completely absorbed in something to the neglect of everything else. I find it hard to take care of myself or my surroundings, but put me in a room full of instruments, and I'll still be making music twelve hours later. So you see, my neurodiversity is both an asset and an obstacle in my career. Music gave me the focus I lacked in the rest of my life, and it calms the chaos in my brain. Without it, my head isn't a very nice place to be.”

In the title track “Weirdo”, she sings about what it was like to always be the strange one. “Sometimes it's a gift, but often it's incredibly difficult. I was often excluded and called names, even by family members and teachers who didn't know how to handle me. When they told me I was dyslexic at school, my grandma said: 'No, you're not!' When diagnoses of ADHD and autism were added later on, each one was a new step for me in discovering who I was, but my grandma will never accept it because she's from a different generation. Back then, you'd be slapped with a label for life, with all the misery that entailed. Thankfully, times have changed and it's spoken about more openly now. I did find it quite hard to announce this with pride, but I couldn't avoid it any longer, because it was the seed of the music.”

Thackray is delighted that the reactions to Weirdo so far have been amazing. “People come up to me after my shows to thank me for my openness and share their own experiences. But I don't just want to offer support to kindred spirits. It's also important to spread knowledge, because these diagnoses never come alone.” In “Wanna Die”, for instance, she opens up about her insomnia. “I've been a bad sleeper since birth. A nightmare for my parents. Unfortunately, it's just the way I'm wired. I used to counteract my lack of sleep by smoking too much. Now that I'm sober, my best alternative is to lie down, stare at the ceiling and think about new music.”

Singing also helps, she adds, which is why she's using her voice more often. “I sang a lot as a child, too. My parents were constantly begging me to be quiet for a minute.” While she could record her album alone, being on the road involves constant social obligations. “Going on tour is exhausting for any artist, but when you're neurodiverse, it's even harder to process all the sensory input. I've learned to take more space for myself and I try to communicate my needs clearly, so people can understand me better.”

Weirdo is out via Brownswood Recordings, Emma-Jean Thackray plays at the Ancienne Belgique on 26/10, abconcerts.be